Well, we reopened some of the restaurants for a bit, then shut the indoor portion of the bars (which is probably a bloody good idea). Now don’t get me wrong, I love sipping booze at the bar, which anyone will attest. But frankly, it seems like any bar I looked in was either dead with nobody there, or packed with a bunch of morons practicing no social distancing and spreading germs around that would likely go on to kill some more folks a few weeks hence.
Remember that place in Lansing?
So I updated the list of local places with the information I have been able to glean about who is open with seating and who is takeout only still:
I know of only two places so far that have announced they are closing up shop. Dolores whose fish tacos were the best is not planning on reopening and is trying to figure out what to do with the space. Ollie and the adjoined Cream and Crumb, also announced they will not be reopening, but they plan to turn the Cream and Crumb space into a Record Store / Bar called The Wax Bar… or so the rumor goes.
So raise a glass of what you have. Then buy something from another local joint in the hopes that they can survive this.
While we’re all quite aware of the ever present danger of COVID-19, not everyone has heard of its effect upon avians. Some people (okay a guy named “Steve”) now believe that all manner of birds, rather than being sickened by the corona virus are mutating, getting stronger, smarter, and did someone say, “laser beam eyes?” I don’t think anyone should panic, but I did see a house sparrow shoot tentacles out of its mouth and devour my mail carrier. Additionally, the Center for Disease Control and the Los Alamos National Nuclear Physics laboratory have independently confirmed that some species have been observed flying through the air without an aircraft.
My sources indicate that since early March, just such a creature has taken over one of our local watering holes and has garnered a cult like following of local bar flies. In exchange for reasonably priced beer and loaded cheese fries, this inhuman super-villain demands total obedience and complete dedication from said followers. Its purposes are unknown and none of the FBI agents sent to infiltrate the group have returned to report…. except agent Peters who is clearly mad. Based on his unhinged ramblings we do know Comedy Night is still happening, but no one knows about Drag Queen Bingo. It is true the sign on the place still says, “Closed”. It is likely true that if you go anywhere near the back door you will be dragged inside and forced to join the cult of this winged menace. Still, I do sort of want cheese fries.
When anyone among you brings an offering to the Crow, bring as your offering an animal from either the herd or the flock. If the offering is a burnt offering from the herd, you are to offer a male without defect. You must present it at the entrance to the tavern of meeting so that it will be acceptable to the Crow. You are to lay your hand on the head of the burnt offering, and it will be accepted on your behalf to make atonement for you. You are to slaughter the young bull before the Crow, and then Erin’s sons the priests shall bring the blood and splash it against the sides of the bar at the entrance to the tavern of meeting. You are to skin the burnt offering and cut it into pieces. The sons of Erin the priest are to put fire on the bar and arrange wood on the fire. Then Erin’s sons the priests shall arrange the pieces, including the head and the fat, on the wood that is burning on the bar. You are to wash the internal organs and the legs with water, and the priest is to burn all of it on the bar. It is a burnt offering, a food offering, an aroma pleasing to the Crow.
The above snippet was among the ramblings overheard from outside and captured on a cell phone call before the poor soul was also dragged inside. Rumor has it, not only was she forced to join the cult, but also pay a $5 cover to get in.
We all want to celebrate Mexico driving the French out of their country in the traditional fashion, eating tacos and drinking tequila. That said the terrible convergence of limited open restaurants, it falling on a Taco Tuesday, and corona virus social distancing turned Depot Town outside Maize into a shitshow the other night.
We drove down to grab our order at the estimated ready time, like usual, and found a hundred people clogging the street out front. Most were wearing masks and some were trying to maintain social distancing, but it was just too many people in too small of space.
Clearly something went awry with the staff’s ability to shut down ordering when they were overwhelmed. We did eventually get through on the phone and were told our order was delayed an hour and then another hour. Eventually we gave up.
My condolences to the workers. I didn’t get a taco, but that whole situation was a mess I could avoid. You were all stuck in it.
As we are all trying to survive this pandemic most of us have found that binge watching a television series or series of movies, while drinking heavily is an unhealthy but awesome escape. Let me proffer my contribution:
Harry Potter – Custom Cocktail Pairings
The Philosopher’s Stone
3 fingers of scotch
2 dashes of Angostura Bitters
A dash of lemon juice
1 very chilled whiskey stone
Cocktail of Secrets
Grab all the bottles and a tumbler.
Apply a blindfold to yourself.
Mix without breaking anything.
Drink.
Regret.
The Azkaban
A double shot of Conviction Small Batch Bourbon
1 oz Cointreau
Two dashes of blood orange bitters
1 teaspoon sugar or 2 shots simple syrup
Shake with ice
Serve with a sprinkle of black pepper on top
The Goblet of Fire
1 goblet mostly full of coffee
1 shot of vanilla cognac
2 dashes of chili powder
Mix
Pour 1 shot of overproof rum on top, gently over an upside down spoon
Ignite
Wait for the fire to stop before drinking
Boilermaker of the Phoenix
1 pint Pileated Night Hawk Stout (or your favorite local stout)
1 shot Eagle Rare
You know what to do.
Half-Blood Prince
734 Brewing Apple Wine
734 Brewing Oatmeal Stout
Pour half a pint of the former, then slowly fill with the latter poured over a spoon (black and tan style).
Every day of this lockdown I feel a little less knowledgable about what’s going on in the world around me, specifically locally. I hear fire, ambulance, and police sirens scream through the night… but what happened? The Eastern Echo used to run the police blotters, but those kids seem to all be in hiding these days. Nextdoor doesn’t really provide any information of use. MLive seems to be the closest thing to real local news for Ypsi, but it is pretty sparse and 90% of the articles are about draft picks for sports rather than anything about what’s actually happening and 90% of what’s left is about Ann Arbor or Grand Rapids for some reason (as though those were the only real cities in Michigan).
So what is left? Social media and texts from friends. Rumors.
I heard Trump reactivated the Obama Death Squads and they’re in Ypsi eliminating people who have spoken ill of Vladimir Putin on Facebook. Is Facebook still a thing? I meant Tiktok. Get off my lawn! But seriously, how do we know what is happening out there?
The other day we were waiting for food in line out front of Corner. There was a loud yelp from the lady bringing food to the car behind us and she was holding up her hand in an unnatural way. The car in question sped off and the manager came out and was on the phone. As we left I saw the cops rolling up. What was that about?
This pandemic has really driven home to me that the social media era and death of local news has unplugged us more and more from our local communities. Well, stay safe out there. I’ve got your back people of Ypsi! If you see zombies fire 3 shots in the air! 4 shots for aliens. 5 if you run out of toilet paper.
Okay, I know I’m not the only one, but I really, really, really want a fish taco or two from Dolores. Is anyone else as disappointed as I am that they are completely closed for this nonsense? I don’t know what Andrew’s situation is or if he has family members that are immunocompromised or if he ran the numbers and decided he was going to lose money just doing takeout & delivery.
He probably has good reasons for just being closed. Heck, maybe he just wanted the time to play Animal Crossing without interruption. Who am I to say that is wrong? But… tacos!
Okay I’ll stop whining about tacos now. That is all.
In these trying times we should all think about what comes after this apocalypse. Sure maybe the world will be scorched and burned, with bones bleaching in the sun and twisted mutants and zombies stumbling about in the night. But where will those mutants go for food and refreshment I ask you?
If we don’t support all our pubs and eateries now, they likely will not exist when your tentacled mutant ass wants a rat burger and some grain alcohol. So try to get some takeout from the places that are still operating.
