While we’re all quite aware of the ever present danger of COVID-19, not everyone has heard of its effect upon avians. Some people (okay a guy named “Steve”) now believe that all manner of birds, rather than being sickened by the corona virus are mutating, getting stronger, smarter, and did someone say, “laser beam eyes?” I don’t think anyone should panic, but I did see a house sparrow shoot tentacles out of its mouth and devour my mail carrier. Additionally, the Center for Disease Control and the Los Alamos National Nuclear Physics laboratory have independently confirmed that some species have been observed flying through the air without an aircraft.
My sources indicate that since early March, just such a creature has taken over one of our local watering holes and has garnered a cult like following of local bar flies. In exchange for reasonably priced beer and loaded cheese fries, this inhuman super-villain demands total obedience and complete dedication from said followers. Its purposes are unknown and none of the FBI agents sent to infiltrate the group have returned to report…. except agent Peters who is clearly mad. Based on his unhinged ramblings we do know Comedy Night is still happening, but no one knows about Drag Queen Bingo. It is true the sign on the place still says, “Closed”. It is likely true that if you go anywhere near the back door you will be dragged inside and forced to join the cult of this winged menace. Still, I do sort of want cheese fries.
When anyone among you brings an offering to the Crow, bring as your offering an animal from either the herd or the flock. If the offering is a burnt offering from the herd, you are to offer a male without defect. You must present it at the entrance to the tavern of meeting so that it will be acceptable to the Crow. You are to lay your hand on the head of the burnt offering, and it will be accepted on your behalf to make atonement for you. You are to slaughter the young bull before the Crow, and then Erin’s sons the priests shall bring the blood and splash it against the sides of the bar at the entrance to the tavern of meeting. You are to skin the burnt offering and cut it into pieces. The sons of Erin the priest are to put fire on the bar and arrange wood on the fire. Then Erin’s sons the priests shall arrange the pieces, including the head and the fat, on the wood that is burning on the bar. You are to wash the internal organs and the legs with water, and the priest is to burn all of it on the bar. It is a burnt offering, a food offering, an aroma pleasing to the Crow.
The above snippet was among the ramblings overheard from outside and captured on a cell phone call before the poor soul was also dragged inside. Rumor has it, not only was she forced to join the cult, but also pay a $5 cover to get in.